All Roads Lead Home

Sometimes it feels like the world is very heavy, and I've been feeling it particularly in my work and life lately. We traveled back to our hometown last week because my husband's mother passed away. It wasn't a complete surprise. We knew that she wasn't doing well. She was diagnosed with dementia eight years ago. She was to the point where she didn't recognize us when we visited. That said, she was always polite.

My Mother-in-Law was a lovely woman. She was the most kind, beautiful, gentle soul there ever was. She taught me so much about being a mother, a partner, and a friend. She has the most amazing smile that would light up her eyes, and she was the only person that I've ever known that would turn the television off, put her book down, put away her phone, and give you all of her attention. That was who she was. She gave you her full self when you were around, and it broke my heart when she was diagnosed with dementia.

I recently read Fredrik Backman's book, And Every Morning the Way Home Gets Longer and Longer, and I highly recommend it. I cried, and I laughed. It was a short read, and it eloquently explained how a person with dementia may see the world. It seemed to capture what I saw happen to one of my favorite people in the world.

While we were visiting for the funeral, we stopped off at the old homeplace. It also happened to be the place where we were married seventeen years ago. We pulled up, and the gates were locked. It didn't matter. We sat at the gates and looked around at the countryside. We saw a small herd of deer sitting underneath a tree. They never ran off - even when we made some noise, they sat there and watched us unafraid. It was hot, and storm clouds were rolling in. We stood there for as long as we could because it very well could have been the last time we got to be there.

Home is a funny thing. Everyone sees it differently. Some move around a lot as a child. Others live in the same place all their lives. There are so many variations of home, and for me, even though I've married into this family, I felt a kinship and a closeness by standing there and looking out into that property. We visited other places, too, which I also felt connected. These were places where we had happy times, and we wanted to hold onto those happy times. I know that's what my Mother-in-Law would have wanted, too. She visited her parents' graves every week up until she couldn't drive anymore. She knew the importance of those special places.

We will go back because we did have happy memories. The road is sometimes long, and it is sometimes painful, too, because I miss the beautiful people who have left. I feel closer to them in these places, and I will continue to look for them there.